why wont they listen????

the doctors and nurses, techs and specialists all think im crazy! they think im a hypochondriac, a drug addict and more. so today i had to have a MRI of my brain. a week ago i was paying bills and suddenly could not read anything. i could see all the words on the screen. i even recognized most of them but was unable to sound them out. i freaked out to say the least. but after an hour or so i was OK. i could read again! i had a headache for 8 hours but other than that no problem. but the docs think i could have an aneurysm or had a stroke. ha ha like i need more drama. anyway back to the MRI. i tell the doc that i have terrible veins and that good luck getting an IV in. he tells me he is a pro at this after 30 years not to worry. well 2 pokes later with me crying no good needle in the arm. he says he cant understand it and calls in some head nurse to poke me. she gets it in but not before im totally crying and in pain. i mean do they think im making this up. hey you cant get an iv in. like i want a challenge or something. IM NOT A PIN CUSHION!!!! I WANT A NEW BODY .......MINE IS BROKEN!! and can the new body come with some boobs?

that weird feeling

well it has been officially 4 1/2 months since i have gone to the hospital. wow it feels good to say that! for the most part im feeling really good. i am exercising a lot and feeling very strong! the lungs are up and knock on wood- NO PROBLEMS RIGHT NOW. i do have these weird feelings, pain and lots of discomfort from day to day. not sure what is going on but they always seem to work their way out. i mean i guess im supposed to feel weird --- your lungs are not supposed to be glued to your ribs!!! it is increasingly difficult to not be able to do the activities i love so much. twice in the last week or so i have been asked to join a hockey team and i kickboxing group. surprised that these people think i would be good at these :) but saddened to know i could no more do those than fly to the moon. i even got wore out when my sis and i went dancing last night. something i could have done a year ago for hours and not even thought twice. so let me ask how do you have so many things taken away and still feel like you have so much? it is a difficult thing to do.

im fine

i feel like i need a sign that reads----IM FINE TODAY_ DONT ASK! i mean really it is no ones fault. people dont know what to say or worse, how to act. do we treat her like she is dying or like she is our normal friend bri? does she really ever feel good or do we just ask anyway? well for the update- you dont have to ask and you dont have to be politacally correct. heaven knows i never am. you wont hurt my feelings if you act like im fine. and for the record as far as being in pain... i hurt everyday but only a dull pain and i really only hurt hurt when im in the hospital and then im so looped on drugs i would not remember if you asked anyway. or for that matter who you are at all.

my drainage tubes this summer

but i was happy to be home!

anger sadness and grieving

how can you be told that you have a disease that someday will kill you and that I'm sorry but there is nothing we can do for you? how can you spend every three months in the hospital and find out that you almost died a few months ago? how can you have this all happen and not have it change your life? how can you carry on in that same happy go lucky fashion you have? well i will tell you what ---you can't do it, things change and people change and you have to find the new you. a happy you, with disease and heart ache- but without letting anyone know any difference! and for those of you who love me---it takes a little time!

Lam for me is......

lam is 10-20 days in the hospital every 2-3 months. It is a heartbreaker and a rule maker. It is tons and tons of cysts in my lungs that prevent me from being the person I really want to be. But lam has made me who I am this year and to be matter of fact... I love who it is making me... strong and determined, closer to my father in heaven, to my family and friends. And I hate it for all it has robbed me from...family vacations, birthdays, events, weddings and gatherings. It has taken away my ability to be in control of life and my body... but lets be real, who is really in control of our lives??? We all know it is not us.